Anal Rape Etiquette and my Economic Plan

I went and saw a therapist yesterday. I don’t know if she can help me overcome my depression and anxiety. It’s anxiety producing just to go there so I don’t see how going there helps. She did give me a few different drugs to “help” me function better in the world. Lexapro for depression and Niravam for anxiety, it’s only been a day so I don’t really know if they’re helping or not. She gave me the Lexapro but I had to get the Niravam myself and with out insurance it was pretty expensive ($80). I guess if it helps me do the things I can’t do now then it’s worth it but fuck, that’s like a double shift worth of work for thirty pills. I should probably take a pill because I’m feeling anxious about getting anally raped by the pharmaceutical company. Is there anal rape etiquette? Should I be sending a thank you card with my eighty bucks and anal virginity? Also, I never realized they had drive-thru pharmacies, makes me think of Joe Pesci’s character in Die Hard 4, “they fuck you at the drive-thru”. Maybe therapy is working because I’m a little less emo today.

Speaking of Etiquette, am I the only one who is confused about what greeting is appropriate when? There’s the traditional handshake, which I was just starting to get comfortable with when seemingly out of nowhere came the fist pound. Now, I’m just plan confused, whenever I go for the fist pound the other guy goes for the handshake which leads to a little back and forth hand to fist dance before one of the two greetings is decided upon. I suppose there are certain times when one is definitely more appropriate, like your not going to fist pound at a funeral and you wouldn’t shake hands if you just walked in on your brother masturbating. It’s that gray area between those two that’s the problem. I think this should be a top priority for Obama after his inauguration. The solution is simple, outlaw both the hand shake and the fist pound and we can all just do a casual wave. This will eliminate any touching and decrease the spreading of germs and illness which will lead to an increase in our nations productivity. If people touch less, they’ll get sick less and work more. This will also help boost the economy! I should be a presidential adviser.

17 days sober

2 comments

  1. Well germs are actually good for us because we build up immunities against them. This is why products with anti-bacterial ingredients in them are bad because then we have no immunities and we end up like Bubble boy. So i believe their should be more handshaking. Congrats on the 17 days! I’m Proud!

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  2. Although I agree with you that it would be more sanitary people by nature need human contact. So handshakes and Fist pounds and whatever else you can think of it a way of getting that contact that we subconciously crave and helping us instantaneously feel more connected and at ease with a person.
    And what happened to hugs! sometimes people greet each other by hugging!

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