The water here gets really hot. Really hot. It burns my skin when I shower. I like it. I like the hurt. I let it hit my back and legs and I let it burn me. I let the pain clean me from the inside. It makes me forget. I forget the damage I’ve done. I forget the cracks and the flaws and the things that I’ve lost. I let the water hit my chest and it burns me. It turns my skin red. It also reminds me. It reminds me that I’m alive now. It reminds me that I’m stronger than I thought. It reminds me to breathe and breathe again. It burns my skin and it hurts. It makes my toes curl but I let it burn me. The pain proves that I know things. I know how to feel and keep feeling. I don’t need to numb the pain. I need to feel it. I need to accept it and live with it. I know that I’m strong. I know the cravings won’t stop. I know that I will not stop beating them. I like to shower and burn the dirt away. It’s like therapy.
(I got a new tattoo today. I was thinking about this thing I wrote while I was getting it done because the pain reminded much of the same kind of therapy. I really love this tattoo. I think Josh did an amazing job. I couldn’t have asked for more. Serenity. Strength. Wisdom. Check out Josh at www.joshbodwell.com)