Snow days are great for reflecting on life. I have a lot to reflect upon. I hear people say that they’re getting beat down by life, that their life sucks or the ever popular “fuck my life”. It’s the idea that it’s life that sucks and its outside of our control that I can’t agree with anymore. I use to think I have bad luck or that I was dealt a bad hand and there was nothing I could do about it. I use to think that life was beating me down and I was a helpless victim to it. It’s easy to believe that because the truth is hard to understand and seems impossible to fix. It’s easier to just to believe that “life” is mistreating me and it’s not ME mistreating myself. The truth is that the only thing beating me down is ME. My life sucks because I let it suck. I make the bad decisions. I create the situations that I suffer through.
Snow days are perfect days for reflecting on myself. Why do I mistreat myself and self-destruct at every possible moment? Why do I continue to let myself fall short of what I know I’m capable of? Not only do I mistreat myself, I lie about it so nobody will know. I lie to make myself feel less terrible. I’ve been lying for so long about every little thing that I don’t know what’s real anymore. I have a hard time remembering my past because I can’t pick out the truth amongst all the lies. I think I started lying because I was so insecure as a kid that I didn’t think anybody would want to know what I really had to say. It’s true that I still feel that way. I just keep lying now because I’ve lost myself in a forest of lies.
I don’t want to be the liar anymore. I don’t want to be the guy who blames his problems on the universe or the world anymore. I have to finally take responsibility for what’s wrong with my life. I have to find myself and trust the person that I find is a good person. I will find myself and I will do something with this life. I just know that I have a purpose, a reason and it will be realized.