I can’t help but notice all the discarded Christmas trees that have started to line the roads waiting to be picked up. Waiting to rot and decay and become compost for a future years tree. There’s something about the image of all these discarded trees that captures how I’ve come to feel about Christmas and how I feel about myself right now. The spirit, that something that’s supposed to come along with the holiday, all the giving and generosity. It falls so flat for me. I sat in a mall food court and watched people get into the Christmas “spirit” and I can’t recall seeing very many smiles. I did see a lot of angry, frustrated faces. I saw a lot of bad-tempered parents dragging around their inpatient children. I listened to coworkers talk about how worried they were about all the money they spent. I listened to the disappointment in my parents voices when they explained how they had no money to spend. You’re thinking I’m just an asshole but I don’t think I am. I know I’m a very giving person; I do a lot for people every chance I get. I’m a nice a guy and I care about people. I care so much that it’s something I worry about all year not just for the Holidays. I worry that I’m possibly not nice enough, that I don’t give enough and that I have to do more. The dead Christmas trees line the roads and paint the perfect picture of what Christmas should be and isn’t for me anymore. It’s supposed to be about love. I feel like one of those Christmas trees, put out to the curb. I don’t feel any sense of love in the holidays anymore.
I feel like I go at life with a certain amount of tenacity but the harder I go at it the harder it seems to get. I’m not only the nice guy everyone thinks I am, I’m nicer and I want to be even nicer than that. I’ll never stop going at it but sometimes I get tired, tired of trying so hard and falling flat. I’m tired of giving it everything I’ve got just to fuck it up somehow. On New Year’s Eve, at midnight I stood alone on the front steps of the cabin and listened to all the parties in the distance and watched the fireworks across the lake. In that moment, I knew I was letting life defeat me. I’m defeating myself. I don’t know what I need to turn this around, love? Maybe I have love and I’m too blind to see it. I’m in a dark place grasping at nothing hoping to find a feeling in my heart that might not exist. All I know is that I am definitely feeling defeated and I’m losing faith in myself. I’m losing faith in the idea of love that I have in my mind. The dead Christmas trees line the road and paint the perfect picture of how I feel.