poetry

Little Man

i sat and watched
a stray cat play
in the trash today
he kept stopping
to peek over at me
i talked to him
out loud but quietly
you’re OK little man
i won’t hurt you
you’re a lot like me
sifting through
discarded memory
in fact, we are the same
we sift through the past
frame by frame
it’s sad but we will not
find the truth today
there’re no answers
to how we go this way
despite how much we dig
Little Man
we will always be lost
astray.

To “Love” Someone

Forest Gump
was not a smart man
but perhaps
smarter than me about
love
i thought i knew
i really did
but it seems i was wrong
dead wrong

there are somethings
i know well
like fear
fear of being alone
fear of not having that safety net
of not having someone to rely on
not having someone to do the things
i am too weak to do myself
fear is something i know

did i love her?
or did i just enjoy her tits
her ass
did i really love her?
or did i just love
being inside her
was i in lust?

self-loathing
it’s the thing i know best
i didn’t love her
i just liked having her around
because i disliked her
more than myself

it turns out there’s
a whole fucking list of ways
To “Love” Someone
you don’t even like
of course until
the inevitable breakup

while half crying and half yelling
you both explain to each other
why

You’re not a real man.
You never fuck me!
You just use me for sex.
What Sex? You just used me to get away from your ex!
You’re an asshole!
Tell me something i don’t already know.
I’ve already replaced you with a better guy!
Good! i hope he cheats on you!
You’re an ugly, pathetic excuse for a man who will die alone!
Break up sex?

Audio Excerpt

i was messing around a little on garage band and youtube today.

#WhoAreYou (part three)

The Interview (part three)

Do you think it’s possible your writing could give people an unfavorable view of you?

What you’re asking me is will people think i’m an asshole, and yes i think there’s a very real possibility of that. i reveal a lot about others and not always in a very kind way. My family will be horrified, people who were co-workers, bosses or my employees will be shocked, ex-girlfriends/lovers might be flattered, embarrassed or completely outraged.

Is it your intention to be shocking.

Like i’ said before, i never set out to be controversial or shocking. i just wanted to be as honest as possible and it turns out honesty is shocking. While is was in the writing process of The Lies That Cause The Cancer i was completely unaware of how what i was writing could make me look. It wasn’t until the editing process that i became aware of how self-absorbed and even misogynistic it could come across. There are definitely lines in the book that still make me cringe and i’ve been living with these words for a few years now.

Why not edit the book to put a better light on you?

i made a conscious decision to respect the words and the moments. Self-editing can be very tricky, there’s a big difference between editing and rewriting. Trust me there was plenty of things i wanted to omit but i knew then it would just be a book of lies. In hindsight, i learned something about myself. Nobody judges me more harshly than i judge myself and i think that’s why my words can make me seem so shitty. It’s because that’s how i felt about myself when i was writing them.

 

 

 

Blame it on Bad Luck

Blame it on bad luck
a double dinner date
with the guy you fuck
and his soon to be wife
is this my life
sick sick sick
i went for the kiss
got dismissed
i think i’ll be ok
you are no
mona lisa
and i’m
already gone
all alone in the crowd
turned around
seeing sound
my heart pounds
with love
for a women with
devotion and desire
with the power
to not just save me
from myself
a women who can
save her man from the
tortures of the damned
i want to love but something
will have to change
if i’ll ever love again
a call to arms
amen

Love Is Not The Cure

i wonder
does she know
that i often go
to these dark places
can she see that
not even the light
of her smile
will shine
at the depths
that i hide
in my mind

can she tell
that all her love
will not change
this hell
does she sense
that i love her too
but there’s nothing
i can do

there’s nothing
that i can change
there’s no way
for me to rearrange
what’s in my mind
there’s no cure
for me to find

can she accept
that love
is not the cure
no matter how strong
or how pure

love is not the cure

 

One Hundred and Forty Six

Tonight i worked on my poetry book, The Lies That Cause The Cancer. Someone of you already know that i write by hand in spiral notebooks and i’m in the process of typing up all the material i have so far. I just finished typing the 146th poem and there’s quite a few more to go. As i work on this book i have these moments where i feel like, holy fuck this might actually be pretty good shit. i feel that way tonight and thought i’d share a couple poems from the book with you.  i wrote these many months apart from each other but they still kind of seemed to fit together.

Snowed in
a guest in a house not so familiar
the room bathed in the yellow street light
reflecting off the snow
my eyes saw shadows
my mind ghosts
the wind talked dirty
the house moaned
i listened
and played along
into a dirty sock

i watch the shadows dance
they move to the rhythm
of my life
i move with them
they’re coolness
soothes the burning
of my unfulfilled desires
the shadows are comforting
like a cold wash cloth
on a feverish forehead
like the warm soft touch
of your lovers hand
on the back of your neck
the shadows are my lover
they are my life
and we dance together
moment to moment

If Not For My Heart, I’d Have No Sleeves

I sat for a few hours tonight at a book store working on my book. I find that I’m more productive there than at home. While I sat there working on my book I started to think about what affect this book could have on people. It’s the most honest stuff I have ever written. It’s also less like poetry and more like a list of confessions. Which is fine by me, I’ve never really liked that idea of being a poet anyway. Poetry is not a word I’ve ever liked, it sounds inappropriate to me.

“This guy just showed me his poetry!”

“Ewwww! That’s gross! Was it short?”

I don’t know if this book is good or bad and it doesn’t matter. Over all the bands, songs, albums, shows, zines, books I’ve done in my life, I am most proud of this collection of work. I am both extremely excited and completely terrified as to how it will be perceived and also of how it will change people’s perception of me.

The truth about me is that I’m a very sensitive guy. If it wasn’t for my heart I would have no sleeves. I put my heart 100% into everything I do. I’m not just talking about writing and music either. I am totally invested into my job. I have to do a good job I don’t know how to not do a good job. I care about everything single person I work with. I care about my friends. I want to help them with their job, their life. I want to make them smile and laugh. Occasionally, I get angry and yell and say mean things but only because sometimes caring so much gets frustrating. I share my life, my stories openly with people because I think maybe that will help them in some way. If nothing else they can get a good laugh at how foolish I can be. My heart is exposed at all times. If I’m hanging out with a girl and like her, I can’t hide it. I say silly things and write cute poems like a 16 year old boy with a crush.

All of this is why I write and play music. It’s why I’m writing this book. My exposed heart gets pretty banged up on a regular basis and I need a way to recover. Being creative and pouring my heart out does this for me. It’s also a way for me to give a back a little for all the love I receive from people. If I can somehow help and inspire just one other person in my life than all of it will have been worthwhile. It has been worthwhile because I know I’ve helped people. I get gifts with cards with little notes saying how much I’m loved, how much I’m appreciated. I get emails from people thanking me for giving them the courage to do what they needed to do in their life. I do make people smile, I make them think and want to improve their lives.

I truly have an incredible life. I’m so proud of the little bit I’m able to do for all of you and will keep doing more because that’s least I can do for you. The bottom line is, you all do so much more for me I could never do enough to pay you back. You’re in my life and for that I am thankful.

I Told Her She Didn’t Know Me

She said

She knew me better than I did

Then proceeded to tell me about myself

She said I was a

Self-abusing

Self-centered

Over sensitive

Wannabe artist type

I wasn’t insulted

I was impressed

She was right

And it turned me on

 

Again and Again

I want to write
Like writers write
With talent and passion
All I have is words on paper
No story just facts

The fact is I’m not a writer
Just a guy who wants to write
But cant get it right

Its all wrong
every time
And every time
Its wrong
I feel defeated

Every time life lifts me
I beat myself back down again
And I’m down
Again and again