To “Love” Someone

Forest Gump
was not a smart man
but perhaps
smarter than me about
i thought i knew
i really did
but it seems i was wrong
dead wrong

there are somethings
i know well
like fear
fear of being alone
fear of not having that safety net
of not having someone to rely on
not having someone to do the things
i am too weak to do myself
fear is something i know

did i love her?
or did i just enjoy her tits
her ass
did i really love her?
or did i just love
being inside her
was i in lust?

it’s the thing i know best
i didn’t love her
i just liked having her around
because i disliked her
more than myself

it turns out there’s
a whole fucking list of ways
To “Love” Someone
you don’t even like
of course until
the inevitable breakup

while half crying and half yelling
you both explain to each other

You’re not a real man.
You never fuck me!
You just use me for sex.
What Sex? You just used me to get away from your ex!
You’re an asshole!
Tell me something i don’t already know.
I’ve already replaced you with a better guy!
Good! i hope he cheats on you!
You’re an ugly, pathetic excuse for a man who will die alone!
Break up sex?

In My American Dream, Love Trumps All

There’s no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going.

I made some jokes over the past few months about where I would move if Donald Trump won the presidency. Jokes that were based in fear of what that America would look like. I thought they were jokes because I honestly didn’t think the man could win.

As I watched on election night and it became clear that he was going to win,  my instinct wasn’t to fall back on that fear. Yes, I was shocked and sad but it didn’t make me feel like running. It just solidified for me, my pride and love for my country.

It made me want to write and write more than ever. It made me want to pursue and achieve what MY American dream is. It made me want to do that with more fervor and determination than I’ve ever felt before.

So that is what I’m going to do. I’m going to write and I’ve started putting together what will be my third book and I’m doing it a little bit differently. Does anyone remember the era of Zines? The title is, At The End of Entin Road, a title inspired by the loss of one of my dearest friends. My friend Jamie and I discovered music together, we learned about Doing it yourself and this “book” is going to be the most DIY thing I’ve ever done.

I don’t necessarily write about love or anything all that happy really. What I do write, though, comes from a place of empathy and compassion. I write to find a way to feel connected with people even if we disagree on certain things. I have learned when I write, I expose myself, and when I’m vulnerable is when I make those connections.

I can’t believe that my country is so divided that this feeling of being connected with others isn’t as important to everyone as it is to me. I’m an introvert who secretly loves people. Because of this, I have to do something I’ve only really talked about before. I have to take my writing on the road: put myself on stage and be more exposed, more vulnerable than ever before. I have to and I will.

I’m publicly declaring the following statements of which I expect all of you to hold me accountable for.

In the next four years…

  • I will visit, explore and perform at least once in every state.
  • I will travel and tour more than I ever have before.
  • I will publish at least one book per year.
  • I will publish my first novel.

American, I thought I knew you but clearly not as well as I thought. This is my promise to continue to learn and love you more than ever!