How i Cope with Depression

i’ve been wanting to write something all week and i just couldn’t get my mind around what i wanted to say. It wasn’t until i was writing an email to someone i use to work with, that i realized exactly what i wanted to say. She wrote to me, telling me about how she stumbled across my website and how she felt about me and my writing.

“Although some of your words are shocking and vulgar I adore your writings!”

What she couldn’t have known is the internal struggle i have been going through about my book and the things i have written. Her positive reinforcement was something i really needed with the launch of my book. She was very open and honest about her struggles, struggles i can’t help but relate to. I wrote… “As you know, to feel as low as we can feel in life sometimes is hard enough but i for some reason feel that absolute need to write about it. Not just right about but also share it publicly. it’s part of what helps me. To find out we aren’t alone.”

“To see, after working with you, your great love and respect for the people you work with is inspiring!”

I wrote to her about how most of the feedback i get is positive but ironically it’s the people closest to me that have the hardest time trying to understand. It’s easy to see why especially when you are the subject of the words. How could you be objective about what you read when you are reading about yourself?

“Reading your words made me feel more understood and less alone in that time in my life”

i know that what i write at times will upset people, it will hurt people, people who i love and people who love me. This was and is my biggest struggle with releasing my book but it’s not my biggest struggle in life. Sometimes people don’t understand my choice with how i cope with depression. In my letter,i wrote…”their intentions are of love and caring but what i don’t think they can comprehend is that just a moment of relating with someone who understands is more helpful, more powerful and healing for me than any doctor or prescription.”

And from there i continued to pontificate about life saying…”Life is not all bad, not even close. There are times where it’s hard to see the sun through the clouds and impossible to feel warm in the rain. Some days are hot and other days or brutally cold (well maybe not in FL). Sometimes the wind is harsh and sometimes the breeze is perfect. Sometimes i laugh, sometimes i cry, sometimes i feel nothing and all of if this is beautiful. Life is beautiful and i use words to try and remind myself of that.”

and… “We might not all have the same experiences in life but we all have a story, a past, a secret, a lie, a bruised spot on our heart that never seems to heal. Just another thing that makes life beautiful.”

“After reading your writings I realize someone understands. Someone I adored and looked up to at work understood me and my situation.”

i realize now, that i must continue to use words as medication. The worst thing i could is to have upset and hurt people close to me for no good reason. All of this has a purpose and through the hurt and pain, i think it will make life taste a little sweeter for everyone.

“I just wanted you to know that your writing has had an impact on me, you had already had an impact on me. Your words have an impact! Never forget that, as you clearly often do.”

i have to say thank you for this letter and thank you to everyone who has purchased my book. You have inspired me more than ever and now that i’ve put myself out there, i must push harder and do it more. i want to put this show on the road, why can’t a poet open for a band? i think taking the words off the page and delivering them personally would be absolutely terrifying but potentially the most rewarding thing i could ever do.



#WhoAreYou (part three)

The Interview (part three)

Do you think it’s possible your writing could give people an unfavorable view of you?

What you’re asking me is will people think i’m an asshole, and yes i think there’s a very real possibility of that. i reveal a lot about others and not always in a very kind way. My family will be horrified, people who were co-workers, bosses or my employees will be shocked, ex-girlfriends/lovers might be flattered, embarrassed or completely outraged.

Is it your intention to be shocking.

Like i’ said before, i never set out to be controversial or shocking. i just wanted to be as honest as possible and it turns out honesty is shocking. While is was in the writing process of The Lies That Cause The Cancer i was completely unaware of how what i was writing could make me look. It wasn’t until the editing process that i became aware of how self-absorbed and even misogynistic it could come across. There are definitely lines in the book that still make me cringe and i’ve been living with these words for a few years now.

Why not edit the book to put a better light on you?

i made a conscious decision to respect the words and the moments. Self-editing can be very tricky, there’s a big difference between editing and rewriting. Trust me there was plenty of things i wanted to omit but i knew then it would just be a book of lies. In hindsight, i learned something about myself. Nobody judges me more harshly than i judge myself and i think that’s why my words can make me seem so shitty. It’s because that’s how i felt about myself when i was writing them.